A Midlife Celebration

Nerf Guns and Juice Boxes

2011-03-27T00:52:00.000-07:00

This Film was made by my son, Cameron, and his friend Dalin. Cameron is the redhead. His films are quickly climbing the ladder as Youtubes #1 comedy short films! Let me know what you think!!

Valentine'$ Day

2011-02-14T16:56:00.000-08:00

What Defines a Holiday?

Valentine’s Day is one of those non-holiday holidays in my opinion.

You don’t get the day off work. Schools and businesses stay open. Greeting card companies mass produce mushy cards, (that all say pretty much the same thing), by the billions. Dentists can plan their retirement around the money they’ll make once the chocolates have been consumed and Jenny Craig is in business for another year helping women everywhere work off the pounds that the chocolates contributed to their figures.
Billions of innocent flowers are murdered so that men can grab something “romantic,” at the last minute, on their way home from work because Hallmark says you aren’t a good boyfriend, lover, husband, partner or dog groomer unless you buy flowers.
Wondering if I was alone in my opinion, I set out to see what others thought about Valentine’s Day. Turns out everyone looks at it pretty much the way I do; that it is a “fake holiday” manufactured by retailers to make money…and to make people feel guilty, sad and, if they aren’t in a “relationship,” even lonelier than they were before!
The men that I talked to felt that when they are in a committed relationship the flowers and loving gestures should be showered upon their sweetheart on a regular basis, and they resent being told that they are supposed to be especially sweet and demonstrative on one arbitrary day of the year by retailers.

I can’t blame them.
Surprisingly, most women felt about the same. No one wants to feel that they are being taken out to dinner or showered with gifts because the other person feels they “have to.”
We (women) do want romance, flowers, etc., but don’t necessarily care that it’s on Valentine’s Day as long as our Snookems is romantic and loving on other days and in other ways. We’ll take sincere expressions of love over obligatory gifts any day of the week…well, most of us will.
When I posed the question on Facebook, “What Do You Really Want for Valentine’s Day?” the answers turned, almost instantaneously to comments about dating…specifically;

Internet dating!

This tells me that a lot of people don’t have one special Valentine this year. Overall, however, most everyone wanted quality time with their special someone…if they had one.
The opinions about internet dating are all over the map, from those who think it’s the greatest invention since sliced bread, while others would rather staple their tongue to the wall than get on an internet dating site. I’m going to explore this a lot more since it seems to be such a hot button topic.
Back to Valentine’s Day though, rather than feel lonely, many single parents, (myself included), enjoy the opportunity to do special things for our children, and in some cases, grand-children. Young children still get a kick out of a homemade Valentine and a box of chocolates. I think it’s more the thrill of just getting a surprise, like when we find $500 in our wallet that we didn’t know we had. This has never happened to me but I’m hoping if I “put it out there” in the universe it will happen.
Overall, for those who were in relationships, both men and women said the number one thing they wanted for Valentine’s Day from their sweetie was time. Quite simply, they wanted time together! For instance, every year on “the BIG day” my daughter and her husband, and now even their 2 kids, go on a trip together to somewhere they’ve never visited before. A friend of mine says that she and her sweetheart write down all the things that they love about the other, then sit down and read them over a glass of wine and some candles. She points out that the same can be done with your children….I’m assuming without the wine.
In this day and age of technology and commercialism, when we are all running way too fast, it seems overwhelmingly clear that the most romantic expression of love anytime is the gift of oneself…

the gift of time!

What is the Definition of a Date?

2011-02-02T19:35:00.000-08:00

~ Sex and Dating…or Not ~
There are many different views on dating and sex out there. A man I dated a while back let me know (on our first date), that he wanted to date only me. He said he felt "a spark" (which I believe was simply static electricity,) and he said he "knew" I felt it too! Funny, because I felt nothing (except boredom). I told him I wasn't comfortable with him dating only me as I intended to date others and I wasn't sure if we would even go out again. He said he felt we "owed it to each other to date exclusively and be monogamous"! What was he talking about? We had just met!! He was surprised because in a previous phone conversation I had told him I believed in monogamy. Now he said I obviously didn't, even though I did not sleep with him. Apparently my comment that I would date other people also indicated in his mind that I would be sleeping with the men I intended to date as well...or, he just did not understand the meaning of monogamy.
I think the problem here is one of semantics. He obviously felt that dating and sex were synonymous. Webster's defines a date as "a social engagement". By this definition, I could have a date with my dog (by taking her to the park, for instance). Come to think of it, this explains his confusion when I told him I had a date with my daughter!
He also felt that HE could decide (on the first date apparently), where our relationship would go and how quickly it would go there. I guess it was un-necessary to burden me with this decision; after all, I’m just a woman. Now, please understand, there is no bigger cheerleader than I when it comes to monogamy in a committed relationship! The key is in deciding together what kind of a relationship you do have. I do not believe, as he did, that he had the right to make a unilateral decision regarding whether or not we were going to be exclusive. I find it hard to believe that anyone could make that decision responsibly on the first date!
For me, sex on a first date would be out of the question. Call me old fashioned but I am one of those people that sees sex as an intimate and very personal experience reserved for someone that I actually love, (no, I'm NOT kidding...as funny as that apparently is). Since I have never fallen in love on a first date, I wouldn't "make love" on a first date either. I guess, since I don't fall in love that quickly, I don't fall into sex that quickly either.
The bottom line is that I believe dating is a social event that allows two (or more) people to get to know each other (NO, I'm not being kinky). Why couldn't those individuals get to know someone different the next week...or the next night, for that matter?! Does what a person have (or not have) between their legs determine whether or not we can get to know them better? And if they do happen to be the opposite sex (there's that word again!) are we obligated to "make love" even when we are not "in love"….Or even "in like"?
They say the key to a happy life is learning to enjoy the journey. I believe too many people want to enjoy the "ride" (pun intended) instead.
I believe there will be nothing better in this world than finding my sweet heart, my true love and my soul mate. Hopefully, all three will be the same person! I want to be best friends and grow old together. Until I find that person, I will spend my time making friends and enjoying their company and yes, even “dating”. If I am patient and trust my heart, I hope to always remember to put compatibility before commitment and, above all else, LOVE before lust!

45 Things We Should All Know

2011-01-04T21:07:00.000-08:00

This is something we should all read at least once a week! Written by Regina Brett, 90 years old, of the Plain Dealer, Cleveland , Ohio To celebrate growing older, "I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. It is the most requested column I've ever written.My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:"

*I reprint it here to inspire you in the New Year...and the New Decade!

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.
16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive everyone everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.
35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood.
38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.
41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
42. The best is yet to come...
43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
44. Yield.
45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.

Make this decade the very best chapter of your life!!

Take the Bad with the Good

2010-11-16T10:07:00.000-08:00

Fable of the porcupine:

It was the coldest winter ever. Many animals died because of the cold. The porcupines, realizing the situation, decided to group together. This way they covered and protected themselves; but the quills of each one wounded their closest companions even though they gave off heat to each other. After awhile, they decided to distance themselves one from the other and they began to die, alone and frozen.
So they had to make a choice: Either accept the quills of their companions or disappear from the Earth. Wisely, they decided to go back to being together. This way they learned to live with the little wounds that were caused by the close relationship with their companion, but the most important part of it, was the warmth that came from the others. This way they were able to survive.

We all have our flaws. Sometimes it's worth it to overlook the unintentional pain that a loved one might cause us, in order to continue to share warmth and love with them.

But, for those of you that are less romantic...

LEARN TO LOVE THE PRICKS IN YOUR LIFE!

How Many Blades are Too Many!!

2010-09-16T13:40:00.000-07:00

I was watching t.v. recently and saw a commercial for a new razor guaranteed to be the biggest, baddest, bestest, shaver you have ever experienced. Hmmm…first of all, I never thought of shaving as an “experience,” good or bad. It’s just part of my daily routine. As I thought about it though, I did realize that I do constantly change brands of razors. I didn’t think I was looking for a better “experience” but maybe I have been? After all, I did succumb to the ads and buy that vibrating razor, but in my defense, what woman can resist the idea of using anything that vibrates in her shower?

So, why is this new, improved razor such a wonderfully orgasmic experience?

Okay, granted, the commercial didn’t say it was orgasmic but I really felt they were eluding to it. What they claim makes this the razor that will change your life is that there are five, count ‘em FIVE, blades!

I remember my dad used to shave with a single blade…well actually there were two sides to it so it was called a double edged blade but they were on opposite sides.

Then I can remember the first commercials for dual blade razors.

They had an animated demonstration showing how the first blade would stretch your hair/whisker way out, and cut it off but before that hair could snap back the magical second blade comes along and cuts even more off!! Now when the hair snaps back it is actually cut below the surface of your skin! Wow! What a concept. It took the razor wizards another several years to throw a third blade at us.

Who’s gonna settle for 2 blades when you can have THREE!! Several more years passed and another marketing genius came up with FOUR blades! What a concept…

Quatro!

So now, we’ve had only a few years to enjoy our four bladed wonder razors and they are giving us

FIVE! My question is, are the creative geniuses in the shaving think tank still banking on the same theory that they are stretching our hairs and whiskers so far out of our bodies that they are actually being cut five separate times before snapping back? If that were true, wouldn’t they be cut so far beneath the surface that we wouldn’t need to shave again for months? Or at least weeks! So, guess what’s coming next? (I know because I'm psychic).…

That’s right, a SIX blade razor!

It may take years for the powers that be to figure out this new and innovative razor concept so just remember that you heard it here first! I have a plan though. I’m not only going to just beat them to the punch, I’m going to jump way ahead of them! My new, innovative and disturbingly creative concept in shaving, and coming soon to a store near you is: My TEN blade, vibrating, musical razor that tells you your daily horoscope when you turn it on! Only $99.99 I know you are excited to be the first one on the block to own one, but please try to remember that patience is a virtue!

Should I Date This Romeo???

2010-08-31T18:29:00.000-07:00

Who'd have thought that a man such as this would just contact me out of the blue on Myspace???

And more importantly, who'd want him to?

Following is an actual, un-edited message I received on Myspace. I did, however, highlight the good parts in yellow.

Hello,

how re you , I'm John by name, i am 40 from Fortcollin's Colorado,But now in UNITED KINGDOM,uK ,my dad is from the State & my mom from italy ,,,I am widow i have a 7 years old son that is my life and he keeps me pretty busy but i enjoy every minute of it,dont plan haveing more now!! am an engineer recently lost my job searching for a new job now, Im an only child, but not spoiled, . I love to do all sorts of things, and sometimes nothing at all...crafting, home improvement projects, photography, camping, dirt bikes, flea market and thrift store shopping is one of my favs. I love mexican food, BBQs at home, Haagen Dazs rocky road ,sleeping in, bubble baths,trying new things, traveling to new places, even if its a lil hole in the wall diner for breakfast in a cruddy lil town Ive never been too. Experience all!! Im a people loving person and can get along with anyone...unless youre a liar or a tweeker, I have no time for bullshit like that in my life! Im very low maintenence and consider myself easy to please. Im not a foofy man, although I can be, I have alot of dress-up stuff I never get to wear. I like to get dirty doing yardwork all day, then shower, dress up and go out for a nice dinner and some fun later......OH- Im down for anything....and I bring no baggage and most importantly no DRAMA with me.Lets have some fun!! Hit me up hope to hear from you soon take care and have a lovely day.......

Oh my goodness...where to begin???

Here's what I get from this very...well written correspondence:

This is a widowed man in the United Kingdom, (just around the corner) looking for a mother for his 7 year old son. Do I look like I want to start all over with kids? I'm 50 for crying out loud. I'm a Grandma!!

He is unemployed and likes taking bubble baths, sleeping in or doing nothing at all. He is a real go-getter, this one! I'm thinking he should take a little of his extra time to go back to school...and maybe start with an English class!

He also likes "cruddy little towns" and "getting dirty." Oh boy! How soon can we go out? He has "a lot of dress up stuff" so I'm assuming he's a cross dresser and I've always wanted to date one of those!

So readers, what do you think? is this guy a catch or what? He certainly knows how to put his best (high heeled) foot forward. I'm kinda thinkin' nothing ventured, nothing gained. Besides, I'm sure I could get another article out of it!

Love in the Fast Lane

2010-08-23T17:09:00.000-07:00

****What Do YOU Do in Traffic?****

Recently on the radio the D.J. asked, "What do you think is the number one activity that people participate in when commuting or trapped in a traffic jam?"

Listeners called in with answers like; text, talk on phone, put on make-up, eat, pick their nose (seriously!), listen to the radio...you get the idea. Not one person named the number one answer however, according to a national survey.

My initial thought was, "Who in the hell PAYS for these ridiculous research projects?" I mean, it's not like it will save any lives or change the world. The scary thing is, I'm pretty sure you and I paid for this research through taxes.

The number one answer was a shock, to me at least. Are you ready?

The number one pastime for people caught in traffic is...

FLIRTING!

This is disturbing for me for a few reasons. First of all, I never got the memo (until now)! I didn't know I was supposed to be flirting all those times I was stuck in traffic. I simply sat there, or, as crazy at it sounds, I paid attention to the road. I actually did mess with my radio and iPod although I tried to keep the nose picking to a minimum.

Maybe if I'd known sooner what I was supposed to be doing, maybe I would have found my true love by now! Perhaps my Prince Charming was only a few feet away, flirting his little heart out, and there I was, driving, watching the road...what an idiot!

Or maybe, no one is flirting with me! That's even worse! What if I am the only woman in the U.S. not getting flirted with out there in traffic?? Now I HAVE to pay attention! I want to know if I'm totally being left out of the loop!

And if flirting is the IN thing to do when driving, then far be it from me to be the unfashionable one! Next time I get behind the wheel, I plan to bat my eyelashes at every male person of the opposite sex. I will smile coyly and flirtatiously flip my hair and lick my lips, and then...

...Oh my gosh! I don't know what then! The survey didn't say what to do next! My tax dollars paid for incomplete research! Oh no! What if a fine example of masculinity flirts back with me? He's in his car, I'm in mine! What then?

Clearly, I need to write to my Congressman. Something needs to be done about this outrage!...but wait, maybe my Congressman is the one I was supposed to meet in the first place?! Hmmm, I wonder if he's married.

I'm Glad Some People Get me!

2010-08-19T18:54:00.000-07:00

Hey Cristie!
I saw the link for your site on FB through a [private] posting...I'm a member who's never gone to anything. Looks like I'm missing out though, seems like you girls have a hoot!
I believe I met you at Paradise Grill with Jodi (not her real name). Anyway, I just wanted to tell you what a great blog you have here! I am also embracing this time of life, still kinda going through the divorce thing and really starting to see what a great time this really is!
You really do a nice job in expressing what I think a lot of us come to realize at this period of our lives and that life should be celebrated, at our "midlife" or at any age! We're just having enough experience to realize it! Anyway, I just wanted to say thanks for sharing! Maybe I'll actually go to one of [your] events one of these days!
Take care!

Thank you so much for taking the time to write me. It means a lot to me to know that the things I say resonate with my readers! And I do hope I see you at one of our events VERY soon!
Much Love,
Cristie

"Vagi-Tales"???

2010-08-11T23:17:00.000-07:00

Really??

I Mean, Seriously?

Tonight I was minding my own business, doing my grocery shopping, and at one point I was in the produce section choosing a cucumber.

I like to cook so I don't take my selection of fruits and vegies lightly. Because of this, I was feeling, yes feeling, the cucumbers so I could find a nice firm one. That's right, I said firm. Now calm down already.

As I was going through the motions...(you aren't goin' to bust my chops cuz I said "motions," right??), of choosing a yummy cucumber I looked up to notice two men standing just a few feet away from me, slack jawed, and obviously completely riveted to the scene before them:

A Woman Buying a Cucumber!

I mean, they had stopped their conversation dead in it's tracks and were watching me like I was the co-star, (let's face it, the cucumber had the starring role), in a raunchy, porn version of Vegie-Tales!

So, I must ask, is it really that captivating to watch a woman choose a cucumber??

Really?

I seriously would like to know, because I suppose it's possible that there is some weird kind of vegetable fetish that I am just not aware of. Or maybe these two dudes had just gotten out of prison that morning after 10 years, (or more by the looks on their faces), in the slammer? Perhaps they were sailors who had just set foot on land after months and months adrift at sea with nothing to snuggle up with other than what they found in the galley...who knows?

All I'm sayin' is that from now on I am going to look over both of my shoulders before EVER fondling produce in public again and, now thanks to these guys making me feel like my purchase was something other than a tasty addition to my nightly salads, I'm going to have a much tougher time chopping up my prize cucumber! Thanks a lot pervs!"

One Man's DISGUSTING Fantasy!

2010-08-09T22:03:00.000-07:00

Parents, send your children out of the room, I'm gonna get nasty here as I paint you the portrait of (at least) one man's fantasy:
As a man (We'll call him Steve) is driving through the Sam's parking lot, he see's a woman. She is leaning into her car, putting her groceries in. He finds her attractive…or at least he finds her female. So, he decides to do what any red blooded man would do and thrill her by throwing some flattering remarks her way. He can already imagine the delight of this mystery woman, we'll call her Cristie (just for fun), when he stops to tell her she can "really turn a head!" and follows with, "You are absolutely stunning!"
When Cristie gets in her car and begins to exit the parking lot, Steve, of course, follows her. He passes her and rolls down his window and showers her with more very original "come-on" lines. Imagine how excited she is to be the object of Steve's snappy, sexually loaded, one-liners! She thanks him, flirts back and drives away but he continues to follow. All a twitter now, she pulls to the side to allow Steve to pull up behind her. He excitedly grabs his day planner (Steve’s nothing, if not organized!) and runs up to her window. "Hot damn" he thinks. "This is my lucky day!"
In a very debonair fashion, he continues his parade of charm. She is overcome by his elegance and manly sex appeal. Although he is wearing a wedding band and readily admits to being married, Cristie just doesn't care! She wants him! His request for her to take him home and do anything she wants with him proves to be too much for her. She takes this pale skinned, freckle faced, skinny Don Jaun home and screws his ever lovin' brains out! This is her dream cum true and she's not going to waste one minute of it! No way! She does things to him he's only read about in his impressive collection of smutty magazines. She allows him to use and abuse her to his heart’s content! She uses him right back! Wow! This is the life. Steve is going to find another cheap, desperate woman to exploit at lunch time tomorrow and every day after! What lucky women await his gallant passes!
***************************************************
Oops! Sorry. Remember I said this was a FANTASY? Steve's!......Now, let me tell you the "Reality T.V.” version:
The first paragraph above is completely accurate. Keep that in mind. Now as Steve follows Cristie through the parking lot she gets concerned. He does pass her and throw out some very un-original lines. Unimpressed, she tries to be gracious and drives away only to find that she is still being tailed by this self-proclaimed Romeo. Cristie, worried he will follow her home to where she lives alone with two daughters, pulls over hoping he will pass. Surprise! He doesn't! Instead, Steve jumps out of his beat up truck with planner in hand all ready, by the look on his freckled face, to "get lucky"!
Cristie, nervous, but also confident she could kick this bozo's ass, rolls her window down. He announces that he is so overcome by her beauty (original) that she simply must take him home. (Seriously, he said that!) When Cristie asks "Why?" he says, "To do whatever you want with me". Little does he know, that that would be to kick his scrawny butt! When she sees a ring on his boney, pink finger she asks if he is married. He confirms, (rather proudly), that he is indeed married. "So", she asks, "you just want me to take you home with me, screw your brains out all afternoon, then send you home to your wife?" He excitedly nods his head, thrilled that they are on the same page! "Wow! this IS just like the movies!" thinks Steve.
Alas, his afternoon fantasy woman replies, "well, unfortunately for you, you chose a 'stunning' (his words, not mine) woman with morals who finds you completely repulsive in every way. There is NO WAY in hell you are coming home with me today or any other day ! Did you really just expect me to take you home, screw your brains out and send you back to your wife and she'd never have to know?" Pitiful Steve's face falls. "Yes" He confirmed. He actually admitted it!! That was exactly what he'd expected...or at least fantasized about.
Steve is thinking, "NO! This isn't how it goes in the movies! This must be a nightmare!" Yes, sad but true, Steve is so disappointed that he found an attractive woman with morals! Damn it! What are the chances? Ironically, Cristie then, not wanting to be rude, apologizes to him! She drove away feeling disgusted and violated and leaving Steve standing on the side of the road, planner in hand, with a lonely lunch hour ahead of him.
Funny how life is, dontcha think? How a woman can be treated in such a degrading way, and then feel she somehow owes this vile excuse of a man an apology for not wanting to cheat on his wife with him! What movies does Steve watch? What are his friends telling him? Why did he think he even had a chance? Does his wife have any idea? Does she care? How long until they are divorced?
This is not an isolated incident. It has happened to Cristie before and to many other women just like her. Yes, there are men everywhere, married or not, without morals or conscience, hoping to find woman of the same caliber...may you succeed and find each other...and share many happy diseases, if not a guilty conscience!
Is this fiction? I'll leave that to you to decide.

Depression is Serious Stuff!

2010-08-08T13:38:00.000-07:00

Usually I would avoid writing two articles of a serious nature back to back but I didn't want to put off answering "John's" letter to me for obvious reasons. I hope some of my suggestions to him will help some of my other readers as well. Following is John's letter:

Xstie,
Would you be kind enough to throw a “pearl of wisdom” my way to fight depression??
I can’t do the whole doctor/prescription medicine thing.

Thank you,
John *(Not his real name)

John,
You're smart to avoid the drug route. Been there, done that...with almost every prescription on the market. Not only did they not help at all, but the side effects actually made my depression worse! I'm not saying they don't help some people, just saying they never helped me. Here are some of the things that have helped me:

Get Physical!
I strongly believe that physical exercise is the absolute best treatment for depression. I realize it's a catch 22 since the last thing you feel like doing when you're depressed is exercising but if you can make yourself do it, it will be worth it! It floods your brain with endorphins, natures own happy drug! They are neurotransmitters in your brain that actually have pain relieving properties similar to morphine, (but without the nasty side effects!)

Diet
Eliminating sugar from your diet helps a lot too. The healthier you eat, the better you'll feel.

Herbs
There is an herb called St. John's Wart that people swear by as a natural remedy for depression also.

Be Thankful
Try keeping a gratitude journal too. I know it sounds cheesy and new-agey but it really does help. Once a day (or more), you simply write something you are thankful for...even if it's as simple as, "The sun is shining." It's really healing to focus on the positive; you have your eyesight, you can walk, you have food in your fridge...you get the idea. Focusing on the positive in your life as opposed to the negative tends to lift your spirits too.

Focus on Others

Another thing that I have found very helpful is doing some kind of charity work. Try to make the time to get outside of yourself and forget your own problems. You will be amazed at how good you feel when you actually give of yourself to help someone less fortunate. Opportunities are everywhere! It doesn't have to be a daily thing. Even if you can only spare a few hours a month, you will be amazed at how it makes you feel! It's a natural high for sure!

Don't Hide Out!
Above all else, avoid the urge to avoid people and activities. The busier you can stay, the better.

That's all I've got. Hope it helps. Be patient. Depression is a serious, but treatable illness. You may not see results overnight but I promise if you do these things you'll be feeling like a new person in just a week or so and if you keep it up, you'll just keep feeling better!

Too Picky???

2010-08-07T18:14:00.000-07:00

Is There Really Such a Thing??

*Following is an email I recieved from a friend and reader. I took the liberty of adding my clever and insightful comments in red.

Hi Cristie,We had talked about some ideas for an article. I mentioned friends who are in relationships/married and have forgotten what it’s like to be single and dating. They like to tell me that I'm just too picky because I go on so many first dates. Why would anyone go on a second date if the chemistry just isn't there? Isn't that just a waste of both parties time? I need to be picky. Damn skippy! I don't want to date a guy who spends 2 hours whining about how his ex is doing him wrong 10 years after their divorce. Who would? Or a guy who has tears running down his face because he just got dumped and isn't over the ex....and hoping maybe she might still take him back, or is in trouble because he sexually molested stepdaughter while she was sleeping. Or need to be understanding about the restraining order that he got served with the day before for stalking his last girlfriend....I watch for Red flags and when I see them, I just walk away.... Picky? Hell yeah! In my humble opinion which, as we all know, is always right, there were so many red flags you could have started a circus! Yes, you were picky...eventually! Although, I can't really throw stones since I've been there. Sometimes we just can't see the red flags through the trees...
Is there really such a thing as too picky?
Hell NO!!

And there is still more....The guy who, after 3 whole weeks of dating, wouldn't tell me where he lived and I could only call him at his work because he "lost" his cell phone for two weeks. He finally offered to give me the address where he lived but it just wasn't convenient for me to actually come inside, only drive by. Ummmm, you realize he was married or in a relationship, right? Those were some MONUMENTAL red flags!! After I broke off with him after 3 dubious weeks, Good for you! he proceeded to become friends with my friends. I never introduced him to them either. "Can you say Stalker??" Whining to them how I was the one who wasn't ready for a relationship and how I took advantage of his kind heart and generosity.....and some of my friends are now actually his friends on Facebook and I have to see him at my friend's parties.... Picky??? I just don't want to date someone that gives me the Creeps. So, if you haven't already, you obviously have to tell your friends what's up with this dude. If they are real friends, they'll be happy for the info and dump him like a sack of hot (smelly) rocks! I, for one, want to know who this jack ass is!

Everything with this guy pointed to married or in some kind of a relationship Ya think?? Lol!....And I forgot to also add that he got angry when I refused to sleep with him....Saying that, "We're going backwards, not forwards"...instead of wanting to wait until I was ready. Well, any guy that isn't willing to wait until you are ready; A). Isn't a gentleman B). Is only after one thing and C). Is a douche bag!

*(That's a technical term).

So, here are my words of wisdom that I know you are all waiting for...

When you are looking for a lifetime companion and not just a one night stand, you owe it to yourself to be more selective than you have ever been about anything in your life!

Too many of us (including myself), were stuck in really lousy, sometimes abusive, long term relationships. Now that we have broken free, we realize that it is better to be single, (notice I didn't say "alone?" since we always have our friends!), than to be stuck in another awful relationship.

NONE OF US, MEN OR WOMEN, YOUNG OR OLD, SHOULD EVER SETTLE!

We all deserve the best that we can find for ourselves.

We ALL deserve to be happy!

How are People Like Cartons of Milk?

2010-07-26T19:00:00.000-07:00

I was just reading through some medical documents and came across this line:

"If patient has expired and all attempts to collect through a payment plan or payment settlement have been exhausted, all claims against that patient will be dropped."

OMG! Now hospitals and medical care providers are trying to collect from people who have "expired!"

What is this world coming too???

Kinda makes ya wonder what your expiration date is though, doesn't it?

Do not insert....SERIOUSLY???

2010-07-18T23:27:00.000-07:00

***Check Out the New Toys!***

How many of you read the package inserts that come with your new hair dryer, electric razor or (for you woman...hopefully) curling iron?
I’m willing to bet most of you do not, so I decided to highlight the critical information contained in these grooming appliances.

1. Curling Iron: "Do Not Insert Into Any Orifice." Now, I have to ask; why? I mean, provided that the heat is not turned on, it is remarkably similar in shape to things woman might buy that are designed for exactly that purpose. I have to assume that is why they post the warning. I guess it’s for the really adventurous woman who wants to know if 300 degrees of heat will enhance their "satisfaction" with their new appliance. I think that those 300 degrees might just be the wrong choice for them under those circumstances however! The really bad news? I was in the process of inventing a combination curling iron/"personal satisfaction" toy for woman. It would have the standard shape of the "significant" part of the male anatomy BUT, it could be set to high heat for your standard hair setting OR warm heat and vibration for...let’s say, "Massage Benefits"! Great idea, huh? Now all the curling iron people are destroying my idea by discouraging "insertion" of said appliance! Damn!

2. Hair Dryer: " Do not put in mouth when operating." Is it just me or does this seem that it should be common sense? I know this because once when I was blow drying my hair with the dryer set on maximum speed and heat, I stuck it in my mouth. Not only did it burn my lips and tongue, but I damn near exploded. I looked like one of those Thanksgiving Day Parade balloons for several hours...so duh! Who’s stupid enough to do that again???

3. Electric Razor: "Shave areas with thick hair before use"...huh? Is this not a razor? Someone define "thick"! And they don’t even advice "how" to pre-shave those areas! it goes on to say, "for use as a hair removal device". Some hair remover! You have to shave before you can shave with it! Huh, sounds like a real waste to me. A little hot wax and you are hairless! You’re in pain...but hairless!

4. All Three Appliances: I swear, I’m NOT making this up!! They all have very serious warnings which read; "Do not use while sleeping!!" Well, I would hope to God not! The bigger question (obviously) is HOW on earth someone would pull this feat off!! I’m thinking if someone can operate ANY of theses appliances in anyway while sleeping, my hat’s off to them! Further, if they are asleep, how do they know not to use them?

Perhaps cars should come with the same warnings? "Do not use while sleeping", "Do bot put exhaust pipe in any orifice of your body" and "Shave areas with thick hair before use" which IS to me common sense, since anytime a man gets in his car (asleep or not) he has the potential to run into the woman of his dreams. God forbid he should be so hairy that an electric razor can’t even cut through the forest, his lips burned and his body bloated like the Good Year blimp from inserting that exhaust pipe into the wrong orifice!
It’s obviously critical, at least to the manufacturers that they put these warnings in the packaging. But why? I think it MUST be because some imbecilic moran has, at some time or another, done one of the aformentioned activities. God bless them!!
So, these warnings are there for our protection. Lets all heed them, with appliances or whatever we do. They are just good common sense, dontcha think??

An Example of Why I AM Still Single...

2010-07-04T22:46:00.000-07:00

Following is an actual letter I received on “LinkedIn,” of all places, after I simply stated that “I don’t believe in Valentine’s Day…it’s just a Hallmark Holiday!” ; )
As you read this, keep in mind that this is a man that I have never met, but who stalked me on MySpace, Facebook and LinkedIn and who called himself “Joe Baby”…no, I’m not kidding! Beware people…there are crazy people lurking everywhere!

Hey Tiger,
You could believe in Valentines Day again if you just let yourself.
You have all the time in the world to let someone in and share in each others lives, but I wonder if that's what you even want. You've said for a couple years now that you just don't have time for someone. What do you do? I have an incredibly complex real job that requires me to manage a lot of high level stuff and be available more than 40 hours a week, I keep a nice home all by myself, and have my two daughters more than half the time.. But I never seem to have any problems having time for girlfriends or relationships.. in fact too many usually. I can't imagine you have a lack of people wanting to date you. Are you too picky? Are you bipolar and scare everyone off? Or maybe being a Social Butterfly and hanging out with the party girls is all you really want to do? I know you live out in east nowhere from my location, but I've driven much further for someone that I'm into and shows it back. And not just for a date but for an ongoing relationship. All I'm saying is you can have it if you are willing to let go.

Just so you know, this is prob not the best place to "post" personal thoughts because it's really intended for professional colleagues and networking rather than sites like Facebook and Myspace. These sites all seem to have pretty specific purposes and differences, but you sure stand out in the updates I usually see here.
Anyway, I love to see your smile on any of the sites when I'm on them, and wish you a heartfelt hug and the warmest of thoughts this weekend.
I would love to be your Valentine~
xoxoxo

Following is the response I sent to him. Then I blocked his ass from EVER contacting me again...EVER!!

Joe,
I'm not sure why I'm taking the time to dignify such a presumptuous and rude letter, but I am probably doing it because I think you obviously need to hear it.
First of all, my name is not Tiger. Period. To call someone you've never even met such a "pet name" is entirely inappropriate.
Second, the Valentine's comment was a joke. Nothing more, nothing less. I have more than enough people to love and who love me. I have no complaints about my life at all.
I haven't said that I don't have time for the "right" person. I do not have time for you, but I was too polite to say that.
I'm not sure what you meant by saying that you have a "complex, real job". What's your point? Are you being so bold as to insinuate that my two careers (which you know very little about) are not "real" or "complex"? You have absolutely no idea how many hours I WORK either.
I have one very active teenage daughter 100% of the time as well as 6 other children and 2 grand babies that I often care for.
You are right; I do have plenty of people to date. And I do when they interest me. But how dare you suggest that I am "too picky"! Everyone has a right to choose who they date for what ever reasons that they choose. Are you suggesting that I lower my standards so you and I can date? That's sure what it sounds like.
Then you question MY MENTAL STABILITY simply because I have chosen NOT to date you??? Perhaps it is my intelligence, stability and desire for the right person that keeps me from dating men like you.
Social butterfly? Party girl? You’ve never even met me! Again, making judgments about someone you know absolutely nothing about is never a good idea.
I have no idea what you are talking about when you suggest that I can have "it" if I were "willing to let go". All I really need to let go of it seems is you.
You are right, this is not the right place for such a rude, judgmental and condescending letter, but then, there is no "right place" for that.
You may want to consider some type of counseling. You come off like a very unstable, insecure, self-important, co-dependent type...which is why I chose not to date you in the first place "Joe-Baby".
Please take me out of all of your data bases and do not contact me again.
But thanks for giving me material for another article...
Btw, pretty ballsy to sign off as affectionately as you did after saying so many uncalled for, ignorant and rude things. Another sign of your instability I guess.

*I post this simply for entertainment purposes because DAMN, you don’t get much more entertaining than “Joe Baby!”

Wisdom of the Aged

2009-11-12T15:01:00.000-08:00

In April, Maya Angelou was interviewed by Oprah on her 70+ birthday... Oprah asked her what she thought of growing older.
And, there on television, she said it was "exciting!"
Regarding body changes, she said there were many, occurring every day.....like her breasts. They seem to be in a race to see which will reach her waist, first.
The audience laughed so hard they cried. She is such a simple and honest woman, with so much wisdom in her words!

Maya Angelou said this:

I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow.

I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.

I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you'll miss them when they're gone from your life.

I've learned that making a 'living' is not the same thing as 'making a life.

I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance.

I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw some things back....

I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision.

I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one...

I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back.

I've learned that I still have a lot to learn...

I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.

Yes, I Can Put the Fear of God into Thugs and Drug Dealers!

2009-10-22T20:33:00.000-07:00

So you think an unarmed woman can't make a couple of big, bad ass boys run for their lives? Then you haven't met me.
If you know me at all, or even read my profile, you know I am sober and militantly against drug use. So when I am approached by a couple of brothers offering to sell me "pills", Lets just say, I get a little..."put out"!
Here's how it went down:

It was 1:30 a.m. and a friend and I were leaving a club. I was parked closest so I drove her to her car. I waited for her to get in and noticed her being approached by two big, gangsta type dudes. They definitely looked out of their element. I rolled down my window to listen as I felt myself flip into my "Mother Tigress" mode. She is my friend and I didn't want them messing with her! I could not hear what they said but I heard her reply, "You'd better be careful who you offer that to!" As she climbed safely into her car. Since I was still sitting behind her with my engine running they knew we were together.
I pulled forward and closer to where they were now standing, before she even backed out. My window was (purposely) still down, and they mumbled something to me. I asked them what they said and they replied, "You want to buy any peels? We gots all kinda peels." (I'm sure they were saying "pills" but I'm writing it phonetically so you can feel like you're there) . Then I asked, "So, what exactly do you have?" They then went on to tell me that they, "Gots everyting. Wutchoo want?"
At this point, I was just furious, but as those of you that know me will attest, I never get outwardly riled up. Besides, sometimes you just have to make a little righteous anger work in your own favor, ya know? So, I decided to give them (almost) what they deserved.
I said, "Huh, so you're just arbitrarily (I know that's a big word for them but I figured I'd make them feel even more stupid), offering drugs to anyone that walks or drives by?" To which they replied, "Hey man, (they were obviously blind as well as stupid) you don't gots to buy none." I let them know that I realized that I didn't "gots to". I then informed them that they had just offered their drugs to the wrong person. They glanced over to my friends car, probably wondering if she had tried to warn them or wondering if we were partners. This worked to my favor!
I introduced myself as an off duty narcotics officer. I asked their names. They looked bewildered and wouldn't talk. I said, "So I suppose you both have been picked up before?" Their looks told me I was right. So I asked "...for dealing...or a whole lotta other stuff too? I'll bet you boys have a rap sheet as long as your arm!" One of the intelligent, gangster, drug dealers (WOW! It was hard to type that! I'm cracking myself up!), says to me, "We were just offering you Motrin dude!" Again, confused by my gender! I don't mean to sound full of myself here but I need to take a moment of self defense...I thought I was lookin' pretty hot that night, and so did a lot of men, so I was confused with these "man" and "dude" references being tossed indiscriminately in my direction! I let them know that we had been getting a lot of complaints about 2 guys fitting their description trying to push drugs here.
I then responded, (to their Motrin excuse) "Oh, so what you're doing is simply a humanitarian effort to aid people coming out of the club that may have a headache?" "Yeah Man (again with the "man"!) Thaz rite. weez jus tryin' to help!" So I informed them that is still drug dealing or at the very least practicing medicine without a license."
I began to dial my phone and said, "You brothers are gonna just stay right here while I call for my back up, right?" Now they were really worried. They had been mumbling back and forth to each other and saying I was crazy, etc. but they became convinced I was legit because as soon as I told them not to move they started walking away from my car. What could I do? My work here was not through! So I got out of my car and start chasing them!
In all my life, I don't think I've seen a funnier sight than two big, bad ass, mean drug dealin' gangstas running away from a woman, at night, in a deserted parking lot, while trying to hold their pants up! I was going to follow them and if they got into a car, get the plate number. Instead they ran through some trees where cars were parked on the other side. When they made it "safely" ("Whew, that was close!" one said...yep, I can be that scary I guess! ), I realized there were about 4-6 other guys waiting there for them.
They quickly told all of their fellow, tough-guy gangsta friends about how they almost got busted and that a Narc was chasing them. I could hear a whole stream of expletives as they piled into cars (whose plates I could not see) and they peeled out!
I will always wonder what, exactly, these two clowns told all of their pals. I'm sure that, in their version, I was a big, terrifying, Dirty Harry type Mother F***er with a 44 Magnum. How could they ever keep their street cred if their partners in crime knew that they had been chased (and they ran like a couple of little girls), by a 49 year old woman with a cell phone??? They couldn't!
For those of you that might think my actions were fool hearty, hey, in my own defense, I didn't chase them all the way into the trees with all the other big dudes!
Yes, it occurred to me that either one of them, or their brave friends hiding in the trees, coulda "popped a cap in my ass" as they say, at any time. However, I would still do it all again...and I will, should the occasion arise. How do I know that the next person they approached wouldn't be someone vulnerable to the suggestion of trying drugs for the first (and possibly the last) time? What if it was one of my children or their friends? If I stopped even one person from getting hurt that night, it was worth it.
For that, I would take a bullet any day. You probably would too!

"No One Will EVER Love You the Way I Do!!!"

2009-10-08T16:50:00.000-07:00

Do men not realize that when they tell a woman, "no one will ever love you as much as I do" or "no one will ever treat you as good as I would have", that they are wrong, insulting the woman they say it to, and she has heard it before...probably many times.
So there. It's out on the table. How can you make a statement like this in the first place? Maybe you really love this woman, but what makes you think that NO ONE will ever love her as much as you do or treat her as well as you did EVER again? Never is a long time. Those are just dumb statements, plain and simple. Second, don't you see how insulting these statements are? Are you telling this woman, the love of your life, that she is so difficult to love that you are sure that no one will ever love her as much as you do? Seems to me that if you really think she's all that special, you can be pretty sure that many guys will love her! How insulting to insinuate to her that she was just darn lucky you came along when you did to offer your love to her but when you're gone...so are all hopes she might have ever had for being loved again. Yep, she might as well be a dog at the pound 'cause she'll never be loved again. She's about as lovable as week old road-kill. No love comin' your way sweetie! You smooth talker, I can't imagine why she broke up with you in the first place!
So, if you are so full of yourself that you think she will wilt and die at the thought of not having your love or that she is buying your threat that "no one will ever treat [her] as well as you treat [her]" you are probably not going to take this next bit of information very well: She has heard it before! She doesn't want your love and she hopes to God no one ever treats her the way you did ever again!
You just put the last nails in your coffin. You've insulted her, ticked her off and just helped her to realize that you are just like all the other guys. Next time a girl breaks up with you, you should either let her know you really love her and are willing to work on the relationship or just let her go, but don't insult her intelligence and convince her you never had any to begin with!

2009-09-16T16:17:00.000-07:00

*(The following article was sent in by a friend and reader).

The Art of the Dodge and Save

While in a night club the other evening, out and about with gal pals... as one of the group came up, a younger gentleman followed and introduced himself. She said hello and then introduced me as well. To this he immediately waved over another too young friend of his to join us....This before any words beyond hello had been spoken...Standing next to me was an age appropriate...ouch...lol attractive gentleman, whom I had never met. A light bulb went off in my head. As he introduced himself I turned to the gentleman I'd never met and said "and this is Jim". Newly anointed Jim looked at me quizzically, to which I smiled and raised my brows as he extended his hand to greet the younger gent. To his credit the 20 something said nice to meet you both and exited...lol..... I quickly said "Thanks for the save" and turned to walk away. followed by 'Not Jim" who is now asking "But don't you want to know my real name?”...lol... Which at this point seemed the least I could do in appreciation of his gallantry....lol....we went on to have a nice evening... It dawned on me......this I will most likely use in future, if the need presents itself...as it worked out so well.....lol...Just another GNO.. *(translated: "Girls Night Out")
Kat

Things Woman Don't Share

2009-09-01T14:51:00.000-07:00

I was out with a group of my friends recently. We were in a restaurant talking about, (what else?), men. I wasn't really joining in. Mostly just listening to everyone else's thoughts and opinions.
One of the girls said she didn't like to share her food when another woman responded that she did not like to share her food either but she really didn't like to share the man she was dating.
I came to this conclusion:

Women Don't Like to Share Anything We Put in Our Mouths.

I Got 86'd!

2009-09-01T13:16:00.000-07:00

If you haven't been 86'd, you don't know what you're missing!

I recently went to what is fast becoming one of my favorite places to enjoy great food, good company and live music; Paradise Grill is Roseville, California.

This is not a paid endorsement (although I can be bought, for a price), so what I say is what I really think. In fact, it's very hard to keep me from saying what I really think...ever!

On this particular night the band playing was 86'd...I don't mean they were fired, although they were fired up! The band's name is "86'd". A friend of mine, Bret Blackburn is the drummer and vocalist. The other two members of his band are Jeff Jones on guitar and base, although not at the same time, and Aaron Jeffrey also playing guitar and base. He can't play them both at the same time either but I'm sure they are both working on it!

Their style of music is what they call "Party Rock", I call it really incredible, dance-able rock n' roll! They made the atmosphere definitely feel like a party though! The pictures probably say a lot.

They are also pretty smart dudes because they had my good friend Tiffany (a.k.a. "Tiffalicious", lead singer of "Superlicious"), stand in for quite a few songs and when you mix her "Pat Benetar" type vocals with their fantasic flavor of rock, what you get is rock n' roll magic!

They even had my friend and owner of Paradise Grill, Bob Manturo sit in on drums for a few songs. It just added to the fun of the evening.

This is really a band worth noticing! They are very high energy so be prepared to burn a few calories!

I just spoke with Bret and they will be rockin' Paradise Grill again on Friday, September 18th and October 16th.

Trust me, you don't want to miss it!

See you there!!

What Does Golf Have in Common With Sex??

2009-08-23T22:57:00.000-07:00

All in the Name of Charity

I had the privilege of volunteering at the “get One, Give One Celebrity Golf Tournament" at Morgan Creek in Roseville last Friday, the 21st of August.
My position as a volunteer was to drive the golf cart for Harold Pressley, formerly of
The Sacramento Kings and current owner of the Hardwood Palace in Rocklin,
Northern California’s Premier Sports & Recreation Center.
We had a total of 5 men playing on “our” team; Harold, Jim, Morgan, Demis and Mike. Jim brought his son Alex along too. I know absolutely nothing about golf, as any one of these lovely gentlemen will tell you, so I provided moral support and comic relief.
They generously offered me many opportunities to take a swing at a ball but my fear of accidentally implanting a 9 iron into one of their skulls kept me from taking them up on their offer. As the day progressed and I came to understand that these men lived and breathed golf, I began to feel inadequate as a human being. After all, what could I offer to this world when I didn’t even golf??
This is when I decided to puff out my already sizable chest and announce that I had practiced yoga for 40 years and that I could out headstand any one of them. The next thing I knew, Harold had taken my camera from me and insisted that I demonstrate. What could I do? Of course I promptly launched into a headstand along with some of my other “tricky” yoga moves right there on the green. So there! I could do something they couldn’t do…they even said so!
I think the most entertaining aspect pf the day however, was the similarity between the things that are said, uttered and screamed on the golf course and in the bedroom! I spent the day writing down examples, lest my readers did not believe me.
Following is a list of direct quotes that were enthusiastically expressed by my new friends during the course of their golf game:
”Oh, oh, oh! Yes, yes, yes! God yes!”
”Be my cream! (I don’t get how this applies to golf, but they said it none the less.)”
”Oh yeah Mike!”
”I want you to get it in the hole Harold!”
”Get it stiff and hard to the right!”
”I got 1 foot, 9 inches!”
”Spin honey!”
”Soft hands!”
”That’s the best I can do baby.”
”I can do this good too.”
”You have a nice, nice draw!”
”What a pussy!”
”When you’re down here, don’t ram it!” “
”I love to do it!”
And my personal favorite:
”Move it just and inch and a half from where you were and you got it!”
My new golf buddies were eager to teach me more (armed with the knowledge that I would share their wisdom with my readers), so they also suggested I tell you that I would, ”begin as a slicer and end as a hooker” and that if they gave me lessons they would, “Start [me] out on irons and work [me] into the woods.”
You gotta love golfers! They are so willing to be helpful!! I gained much that day: New friends, grass stains on my head and a greater understanding of why men often choose to spend time on a golf course instead of with their wives and girlfriends...it is obviously more sexually satisfying for them!

"Pick Up" Lines are Alive and Well in the Burbs!

2009-08-12T05:09:00.000-07:00

Men STILL Use Pick Up Lines??
Well, in a way, yes. I guess it was always my (very sheltered) opinion that boys would give up on the pick up lines when they became men. I have come to the conclusion that I must re-think my own definitions of "men" and "boys".

Pick up lines of any kind are a practice of a species I like to refer to as "moys". They are man/boys. Simply put, they are the chronological age of a man with the mentality of a 6th grade boy. It is sad, but true. They do exist.

I've decided that, as a courtesy to moys everywhere, I will post some of the more offensive pick up lines that my girl friends and I have heard. This may also be comforting to the women who read this. Now you'll know that we ALL hear these lines!

1). Guttural Sounds:

These sounds range from low and deep growling type noises to a sort of "Mmmmmm Mmmm" sound made as close as possible to the woman's ear, often with his face (and bad breath) brushing her ear.

*Why They Don't Work:

Most woman are not flattered by these sounds. They just make us feel like a slab of meat on a plate. If you are hungry, go eat something. We aren't on the menu. We, on the other hand, can not go eat now. We just threw up a little bit (or a lot) in our mouths.

2). Sexual Comments:

WARNING: These comments are X-rated. If you are easily offended don't read them and stay away from ALL men...just in case.

Comparing notes with my girl friends, (yes moys, we DO compare notes), we have heard everything from, "Are your tits real?", "You know what would look good on you? Me!", "I want to lick you from head to toe", "I'm taking you home tonight" and "I'm gonna be the best thing that ever happened in/on you" to "I want to lick your pussy." I'd like to say this last line was a one time thing but I've had said to me on more than one occasion and the last time we went out, two of my girl friends had it said to them by two different guys.

*Why They Don't Work:

Actually, I should re-phrase that and say "Why they don't work on a lady". You moys may have luck with these lines if you're picking up a hooker. However, the effect that these lines have on me and the caliber of woman that I go places with is total repulsion! We are not "turned on". We are not excited. We are not interested!

3). Overly Flattering Comments on Our Looks:

Most moys are probably confused by this one. They wonder why they can't approach a woman and say, "You have one hot ass!" You can. Just be prepared to be kicked in your little brain! Also avoid lines like, "You are the hottest chick in here" and "You are Fucking gorgeous!"

*Why They Don't Work:

Any "compliment" that you attempt to share with a woman should not have the word "fucking" in it...or any other form of the "fuck" word or any other profanity for that matter. We are not whipped into a frenzied state of arousal because you think our "ass" is "hot"! Also, using words like "hot" and "chick, babe, sweetie", etc. are juvenile, lack manners and are demeaning. Being "demeaning" is bad, by the way.

Lest you think I hang out with a "young" crowd or in shady places, let me stress that these comments come from "men" of all ages and backgrounds. They can be uttered from the lips of a man in a suit or a guy in a leather jacket. I've heard these types of comments at the mall, in classy restaurants, on the river and in clubs...even in the grocery store. Clueless, vulgar moys are everywhere!

There are many other lines and comments that are offensive. Moys are disgustingly creative. I don't want to be too discouraging though. Here are some polite and classy ways to approach a real woman:

*Simply introduce yourself. That's just too easy, right?

*Ask her if she would like to dance or talk with you for a moment.

*Let her know you find her interesting and would like to get to know her a little better.

These methods aren't guaranteed to work, but they also won't get you slapped or thrown out. If you are a moy however, and not a true gentleman, and insist on continuing to use your clever "pick up lines", why don't you stick to the dive bars and dark alley ways where hookers will gladly listen to all of your lines...for the right price.

If you have heard, (or dished out) some "interesting" pick up lines, send them in to me. They may get published!

He's an "Asshole" and Proud of it!!

2009-06-01T19:24:00.000-07:00

Sunday afternoon I was so excited (but not in a sexual way) to meet my friend, Sally, (the hot chick with black hair pictured above),for a “relaxing” lunch at the Virgin Sturgeon, a popular restaurant on the Sacramento River. Sally and I are close but due to our jobs, and life in general, we hadn’t seen each other in months!!
After finding the perfect table under an umbrella on the deck we began to catch up. Within seconds we met a very…”outgoing” young man (Duke), who was very challenged, volume wise, who had obviously been celebrating his Sunday since 9:00 a.m. He began to attempt to make our acquaintance. We were friendly, but after the fourth or fifth interruption, Sally politely informed him that we hadn’t seen each other in a very long time and were trying to catch up.
This did not discourage “The Duke”. So, we moved over to the bar on the deck…he followed, charming us with his one liners and inebriated wit. Our polite requests for a little privacy landed on deaf, drunken ears. When Sally and I excused ourselves and left for the ladies room, the bartender asked him to please give us a little space or he would need to leave. When we came back, his friends (who seemed normal in every way except for the fact that they were hanging out with him), told me what had happened and apologized for their friends behavior.
At this point, I saw the opportunity for a great article. The Duke then approached and announced to me and Sally that he was simply “an asshole”. I asked him if that was his usual pick up line. He said, “No. I just believe in being honest. I am an asshole and when people complain about me I just say ‘shit happens’”! Hmmmm…Interesting.
Never before has a guy attempted to flirt with me so relentlessly, then proclaimed himself to be an “asshole” and said he often explains his own behavior to others by simply saying “Shit happens”.

In fact, when I told him and his friends that I wanted to write an article about him he insisted that I include those two descriptions of him.

Three of his friends refused to be photographed for this article, one announcing that his girlfriend wouldn’t like him hanging out with “The Duke” on this particular day. The other two had something else to hide, (obviously), or, they were just embarassed to be associated with Mr. Shit Happens. The most chivalrous gentleman of the group was Jeff,(Handsome cowboy pictured bove), who apologized profusely for Duke’s behavior. The only woman with the group, Sarah,(also pictured above with glasses and hat), was very friendly and fun…and seemed to really like my boobs…?
The bottom line, as “The Duke” will tell you, is:
There are assholes everywhere and shit happens!!!!
*Note: "The Duke" did not want to be photographed for this article. Go figure. He must be worried it would mess up his game.

Comments From a Reader

2009-05-20T13:38:00.000-07:00

I wanted to share with you the following comments that I received from one of my readers this week:

SO..... let's say I'm a bit less "stressed" today than of late. So when I received your invitation - I initially took it at face value thinking, "Of course! I would LOVE to see Cristie, to support her and become reacquainted... yada yada yada."
Then I followed the link to purchase the tickets FINALLY viewing your web-site!and...I must say that I was... well here are a few of the adjectives which come to mind:
Thrilled, Inspired, Amazed, Excited, Awed, Empowered, Relieved (yes relieved....)
I will most likely come up with more before we speak...
What a wonderful project this is! And what a tremendous woman you are to give an honest voice to these topics. I have known this about you. Sensed it I suppose.Circumstances being what they were, I truly regret not having the privilege to know you more personally while I was here before.
I certainly know myself MUCH better these days! And am more careful about who I am in the association of since I am spending more time here in Sac. Who would guess that the entertainment industry and LA would give that to me!? It's the "who" and the "what" we do - not the "where" we do it I suppose, that carries the lesson. And I feel truly blessed these days.
And SO thankful to be exposed to your endeavors and your spirit!
Thank you, sincerely for including me in your list of invited guests! I would love to spend time sharing with you a bit of time in conversation if you can spare it. If you are anything like me, that time comes in limited fragments. And if I can EVER do anything for you, please do not hesitate to ask me.

Love,
Nina
p.s. Please give my love to the girls won't you? They are magic like their mom!

Nina,
Thank you so much for taking the time to share your thoughts with me as well as with my readers! I truly appreciate all of your kind words and enthusiasm for my site! It means a lot to me!!
You are a wonderful lady and I'm thrilled you'll be at the Launch Party for this site! I too, look forward to getting re-acquainted! See you soon!
Peace!
Cristie

The 20/30 Spring Fling in Sacramento

2009-04-29T13:48:00.000-07:00

I recently attended a large charity event with friends in Sacramento, California. It is put on by the local 20/30 club and all of the proceeds go to local children's charities. You can't go wrong with something like that, right? Besides, events like this one are an endless source of writing material for me! It's really a win-win deal!

Lucky for me, I encountered a brand new situation (for me anyway) on this particular night. Several friends of mine and I passed out fliers to announce the upcoming Launch Party of this website (*see homepage for details). There were a ton of people there and it gave everyone an excuse to go up and talk to total strangers...not that Tiffany ever needs an excuse, but that's not the point.

At one point, in an attempt to help me escape from an undesirable sort that my polite rejections seemed to be bouncing off of, Tiffany took me by the hand and simply pulled me away and through the crowd...and right up to a large group of "boys". I say boys because, 1). They were WAY to young for my taste, and 2). They behaved like "boys".

Anyway, Tiffany began her promotional sales pitch about my upcoming event (where, btw, her band, Superlicious, in which she is the lead singer, will be performing) when one of the boys, who undoubtedly saw her pulling me by the hand, leaned over and asked me, "Are you the man out of you two?" When I asked him to repeat that, he said, "I know you two are a couple. Are you the man?" Now I was really intrigued. I pride myself lately for getting better at knowing when a guy is coming on to me. The funny thing is, although this guy was indicating that he thought I was gay, he also seemed to be flirting! He had this crazed, excited look in his eyes that would have almost been frightening if he hadn't been so damn drunk!

I swallowed my (very feminine) pride and asked him why he thought I was "the man". He said, "cuz she's dressed all like a girl and you're wearing jeans." Huh. So now I'm "the man" cuz I wear jeans. Damn! And I thought I looked like a woman that night! Look at the attached pictures and be honest; Did I look like a man of any kind that night???

I must have given him a very confused look because one of his friends came to his rescue. He asked Tiffany (the one in the white capris and shiney top) what his inebriated buddy had told me. When she filled him in on his pal's smooth talk to me, he leaned over to apologize and told me that his friend was drunk. Really? Ya think??

All in all it wasn't a bad night. The music was good and I was there with good friends and that's why I went...Although I have to admit, being told I looked like "the man" was a bit of a blow to my ego...and I may never wear jeans again!

Can You Identify Too?

2009-04-29T11:25:00.000-07:00

I recently received the following email from a reader. She indicated that her comments were prompted after she read my mini auto-biography (see Author's Bio page). That's what this site is all about. Hopefully we'll be able to connect to others we can identify with...and learn to grow from our past and laugh at that which did not kill us. After all, that's what made us stronger, right?

"OMG... This is me! I was married 25 years to an abusive pig.. was not allowed any friends during that entire time.. I went through this life changing freedom and now I cannot get enough of personal development. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt what I deserve! Wow, you are one strong woman. Never judge a book by its cover.. you have been through a lot. The best years of your life are still ahead of you with your family you created because you never gave up. You have no idea how much meeting strong, independent, classy women who know their worth means to me! I would be honored to be your friend"
Sincerely,
Nichole

Thanks Nichole! Your comments mean a lot to me...and so does your friendship! I hope to meet you at the *Launch Party!!
*(See homepage for details and discounted tickets)

The Trauma of BPS! (Bra Pain Syndrome)

2009-04-25T14:25:00.000-07:00

Bra:

A device thought to have originated in mid-evil times, based on the design of the over the shoulder racks used to carry buckets of water and created by men for woman to enhance the beauty of the female bust line while choking, irritating and scratching the otherwise soft, sensitive tissues of said female, thereby making her cranky, agitated and unapproachable. The symptoms of bra-pain (also known as "Bra Pain Syndrome" or "BPS") will often mimic PMS and in so doing will confuse the male species. Males who are attracted to the voluptuous breasts of the bra wearing female will get mixed signals and are often too intimidated to approach her due to her highly agitated state. Woman are disgusted by said males for "ogling" her breasts, but not approaching her for conversation. The male and the female will eventually go there own ways frustrated, and bitter toward the opposite sex. This is why my bras (while very sexy) are also comfortable...hence, they're the expensive ones. I avoid the Bra-pain syndrome!
My other strategy for avoiding BPS...go without the bra entirely, and while your at it, lose the panties (so to speak) you might like the freedom!

Is Gasoline Like Spanish Fly for Men?

2009-04-23T10:14:00.000-07:00

What is it about gas stations that revs men up for romance? I ask because I have actually lost count of the number of times that I (or my girlfriends or daughters) have been approached by men while innocently pumping gas into our cars. Men also seem to be fond of parking lots, grocery stores and video stores as their turf for making moves on unsuspecting woman. But, back to the gas stations; Maybe it's the mere sight of a woman "pumping" anything that gets men's engines running. I have asked other woman and they have confirmed that yes boys, the AM/PM seems to be quite the hot spot if you are looking for a date this weekend.
I have asked several male friends if they could help me understand why this phenomenon occurs and no one seems to know. One theory is that, often, woman are alone and therefore more approachable, at gas stations. Another theory is that perhaps, men feel superior around all the engines and horse-power etc., while woman seem weak and helpless in that environment. Maybe it is simply because woman are off guard in a situation like that. Perhaps a woman is more likely to engage in friendly conversation in such a casual (translate; dirty) environment. The best theory I heard though was that perhaps men realize that, in a situation like this, she can't run away. She is connected to that gas hose until her tank is full. No matter how disinterested she may be, no matter how undesirable the stalker in question is...she is trapped!
If we examine this new approach to finding this weekends hot date from another angle, I have to wonder if the gas fumes themselves have anything to do with the sudden spike in the male libido. I did know a man that loved the smell of gasoline. He never actually said it made him horny, but if actions speak louder than words, then well...it did. Maybe gasoline fumes do have a physiological effect on men. Perhaps the combination of petrol and testosterone creates a sort of super-libido...like an industrial strength Viagra!
If that's true, then clubs and bars should have the smell of gasoline pumping through their air conditioning system. The draw back would of course would be that the effect on woman would be low grade nausea. The upside would be, however, that when a woman told a man that he was making her nauseous, he could blame it on the air system...and she couldn't run away as fast!
So men, tell me; have you ever been approached by a woman in a very unlikely place? I understand that culturally speaking, men are usually the aggressors but there are always exceptions to the rules, right? While I can appreciate the courage it takes to approach a total stranger and start up a conversation, I am always amazed at how cliche' many of the "pick up lines" are. Now I find myself amazed at the kinds of places where those pick up lines are being delivered. So please, enlighten me, and the other woman who may read this. Are woman surprising you these days in the way they approach you or where they approach you? Or do you just wish we would do the approaching...any which way? And for you woman, where's the strangest place you've ever had a man try to pick you up???

What the HELL was I Thinking???!!!

2009-04-21T09:02:00.000-07:00

Have you ever asked yourself, "Why did I ever date him?" or "What did I ever see in her?" Well, I have...many times....well, not "why her", but you know what I mean, right? I actually have friends who insist that I introduce them to anyone I consider dating so that they can tell me if my radar is off again. Of course, I don’t do that...but they do have a point. If you put me in a room full of crowded men, chances are, I’ll end up with a date with the only man there that grows scales and a tail and turns blue after 11:00 p.m.! I don’t know how it is possible to consistently find every crazy, possessive, insecure, needy guy out there, many of whom have impressive rap sheets (not the music either! I’m talking about serious criminals)! If I could just manage to meet some nice, normal, gentlemen..or just one, I’d be happy. In an effort to analyze my less than successful dating experiences, I decided to put together a list of all the guys I’ve dated that fit into the, "What the hell was I thinking?" category. So here, for your amusement and my own personal self-discovery, is my list...with names changed to protect no one’s innocence. It’s just to protect me so one of these nut jobs doesn’t come after me in my sleep!
1. Jake- A man I met while he was in rehab and awaiting his jail sentence for spousal abuse. Hey, in my defense, he said he was innocent!
2. Ted- A very talented (yet deeply troubled) creative genius. He went insane at work one day and announced that the office was really the "mother ship" here to take us home. He went to a different mothership...in a straight jacket.
3. Leonard- A very talented surgeon. I know. He performed a life saving surgery on me. We did not date until years later. He told me on our first date how lonely he was and how he missed being married. He felt we would make a perfect couple. He didn’t need time to think about it, he said, because he’d been in love with me since performing my surgery years before, when I was still married!
4. Mitch- Ah yes, he was a great match for me because I only had 5 kids so if I added him and his 2 rowdy boys I’d have 8! He was a bit of a Peter Pan, but, in his defense, he was 11 years younger...and desperately needed a mom!
5. Frasier- A very attractive and successful architect who knew exactly what he wanted in life. Me. I wanted to just date to get to know each other. He felt that was a brush off. If we were going to date, he needed to know that it was leading to marriage!
6. Trogodite- I was doing a better job of picking out relatively "normal" men by this time. We dated for about 2 years before I put all the red flags together (all 127 of them)! To this day I am still learning more about the act he put on while we were together. His dishonest, cheating, abusive and illegal ways almost slipped by me completely unnoticed. Fortunately I got out before things got ugly. Yay for me! (I need to praise myself every now and then. It helps.)
7. Buck- A husky, well built man’s man that I had seen out with his room mate a few times. He finally asked me out. Those dates were really bizarre. Then I found out he was very close to his "room mate". Very, VERY close. I was for show. In his line of work, (construction) you don’t want to give the other guys a reason to make fun of you so you get a woman and drag her to all of your construction sites instead of out on dates.
8. Howard- A nice, funny, self involved man trying to become a rock star at 46 years old. He even has a studio in his home. His ex-wife was unreasonable. She left him after he spent ALL of their Christmas money for their little girl, on a guitar for himself (his 10th one) and said it didn’t matter. She was only 5 and didn’t need anything anyway! And, in his own defense he said "It was my money anyway!" No, unfortunately I’m not kidding.
9. Steroid Boy- When we first met he was so docile I honestly thought he was gay. Then one day, he actually acted like a man, so we dated. Within months I realized I was with a steroid addict prone to fits of rage that came from nowhere and for no reason. PMS has nothing over this guy! Then I found out he was actually diagnosed with borderline personality disorder! Great combination with the roid rage!
10. Craig- He lived quite a distance away but we met online. We finally greed to meet. In the course of several hours, he told me he loved me, that he wanted to marry me and was already planning how he could move his entire business to where I lived...whoa buddy! Just dinner so we could meet, remember? There you have it. My TOP TEN Dating Nightmares. Yes, of course there are others, but they have to be pretty special guys (obviously) to make my TOP TEN! So, come clean, does anyone out there have a dating history like that? Share with me? How do you break a cycle like that? I’ve only been dating since 2000, but that is a long list of mental patients for only 9 years! What am I doing wrong? Maybe as a public service I should write about the red flags I ignored to save some other trusting woman from going through what I did??!!!

How Does a Man Attract A REAL Woman???

2009-04-05T20:43:00.000-07:00

I recently received a message from a good (male) friend. He says he doesn't know how to attract woman. He says he "has too much pride to throw himself at woman and beg" and that "woman are like movie stars. Sometimes they want to be out in public and just left alone." He also made the comment that he has "too much respect for woman to just approach them whenever [he] feels like it."
When I told him I could help him out, he replied that he thought a man would be a better coach (wrong!), but all the guys he knows that attract woman seem cheesy and fake (Exactly! And think about the kinds of woman they attract!!)
Then, he admitted he would be open to hear my point of view. Lucky him...and you. You get to hear what I think!
1). We ARE approachable! Woman are NOT like movie stars. We are almost like real people! Of course some of our species are friendlier than others but it IS quite easy to tell the difference! When you see a woman you are attracted to, go out of your way to get eye contact with her (after you've checked for a wedding ring or a large, jealous, possessive man looming anywhere in the vicinity). When she meets your gaze, don't look away, SMILE at her. If she smiles back, 98.5% of the time she is approachable. *Note: I may have made up that statistic but 98% of all statistics are made up!
2). Skip the pick up lines! Intelligent, classy woman don't want cheesy comments or pick up lines. Trust me, she's heard them all before. Be yourself! Approach said woman (whom you've just exchanged enchanting glances with) and introduce yourself. That's right, as outrageous as it sounds, extend your hand and say, "Hello. My name is Joe. What's your name?" *Note: This only works if your name is Joe. Otherwise you must substitute your own name in place of "Joe".
3). The PROPER date: If a real man...I mean an honest to goodness gentleman (a dieing breed, BTW), is interested in a woman, he should ask her out on a proper date. For example: (Either in person or on the phone, but PLEASE not in a text, e-mail or IM!) Say to her, "I'd love to get to know you better. Would you be interested in going out for a drink, Starbucks or even dinner?" Now you've shown your interest, made the first move (which a real Lady appreciates) and given her several options as to what you are inviting her to do. This allows her to decide on her comfort level for a first date.
4). Offer to pick her up: Next, and this is very important, offer to pick her up but also mention that if she is more comfortable you'd be happy to meet her somewhere. There's nothing worse than a guy who never has the class to offer to pick you up for the date. Whether we will accept is beside the point. It's nice to be asked! If she turns down your offer, don't be offended! Remember that single woman have to be very careful about who we give our addresses to, especially if we have children at home!
5). Don't be shy! My friend said he had too much respect for woman to approach them whenever he wanted. It's a good thing the propagation of the species isn't up to guys like him! Shy, standoffish guys undoubtedly have a harder time than the more outgoing guys getting the girls. That doesn't mean that you have to become a loud, obnoxious, drunk, full of one liners to get a woman's attention...well, you may get some woman's attention but just remember that you reap what you sew! To get the attention of a real woman, be confident! Be yourself! A mature, stable, intelligent lady can smell bullshit a mile away!
6). Cologne: OMG! A man that takes the time to dab a little cologne on is very, VERY attractive...after all, we do it for you!
7). Dress nicely: It isn't shallow to say that how you dress is important! It sends a message of self confidence and pride in how you look!. It shows that you take care of yourself and that you're not a...well, slob! You don't have to walk around 24/7 in a 3 piece suit (although on occasion it is a very sexy touch!) but you should wear stylish (like, from this decade), well kept, clean clothes and please wear decent shoes. Gross, beat up, dirty shoes are a royal turn off!
8). Shop in your own neighborhood! By this I mean, don't look for someone that might be physically attractive to you but with whom you have nothing in common. A physically fit, vegetarian woman is not likely to be attracted to a fat guy that doesn't work out and eats junk food all day. I actually had an overweight man tell me that he was "insulted" because I thought he looked really cute with one of our mutual friends. She is gorgeous and the sweetest person you'd ever want to meet. I thought they got along well and would make a nice couple. He responded with, "I'm insulted that you would even think that I would be interested in someone like that!" When I asked him to elaborate he said she was "too soft and out of shape" for him. Wow! Got a mirror? Bottom line, look for people you have many things in common with! Health habits being one of them!
9). Hygiene: I know you don't want to hear this but it MUST BE SAID! Get rid of your unsightly forest growing out of your nose, ears, wherever. It's gross. Trim your eyebrows if they stick out like a caterpillar growing over your eyes. Get a pedicure once in a while! It feels great and disgusting feet are...disgusting! And for God's sake, go to the dentist! Get your teeth cleaned once in a while! There is nothing that turns a lady off more than scummy teeth! Most of us go to painstaking lengths to groom ourselves. You can do the same!
10). Nix the night clubs: Although I will occasionally go to a club to hear the live music, I find that, over all, the type of people that hang out there (some night after night) are usually not of the highest caliber.
11). Do keep your eyes open: Whether you are grocery shopping, filling your car with gas, at a laundry mat, post office, car wash, DMV or a Starbucks, keep your eyes open and antennas up. These are places that everyone goes. Woman are not hanging out hoping to get picked up on but are usually open to the approach of a friendly man. You are bound (although not assured) of meeting a better quality of real woman at these places! That's how I've met several really cool guys.
12). Treat her like the Lady you want her to be: Bring her flowers. Open ALL doors for her, (YES, even her car door when you get in or out!) Pay for the date. It may seem old fashioned but to get a good old fashioned lady, you need to be a good old fashioned guy! Thank her at the end and limit your good night to a hug or possibly a kiss if it went really well. Read her!
and last...
13). Thank her: If you enjoyed your date together. Call her the next day and say so, or perhaps even say, "When may I see you again?"
If you think these comments are sexist, think again. Theses are comparable to the kinds of things that real woman do to attract or keep the attention of a gentleman, so get off your high horse and open your mind! I'm not wrong about these things. But, if anyone wants to add more to my list, be my guest. I welcome comments!

I Had Sex in the Trunk of My Car Saturday Night!

2009-03-02T15:33:00.000-08:00

Yes, it's true. I DID have SEX in the trunk of my car Saturday night!

I am relatively sure that I have your attention, and maybe your disapproval by now. Possibly You are simply saying, "Way to go Cristie!" (thank you!)Either way, I want to explain the circumstances that lead to this situation but this does require a bit of background information.

I love to cook. Yes, this IS pertinant to the story so just hold your pants on! A couple of years back I had a house full of young adults. That's usually the norm around here. This particular time it was my 20 year old son and his friends, who all call me mom, btw. Yes, that also relates. Anyway, they all started telling me what they thought sounded like the most decedant dessert they could imagine: It had to be chocolate and warm, gooey but with some substance in texture, they also wanted raspberry in it somehow. I, of course, got busy the next day creating just such a dessert.

That evening my son brought the same group of friends over again to sample my creation. When Clark, my son's friend, took his first bite, he very enthusiatically exclaimed, "Oh my Gosh mom! This is better than SEX!!!" Imagine my pride! I could now satisfy a man in "that way" without ever taking my clothes off! All of them were in agreement; this truly had to be the most amazing thing they had ever put in their mouth (they were young, what can I say?). So I told them they could name it since they had helped create it. They were orgasmically excited at this idea so without any delay they named it "Sex in a Dish" or "Sex" for short.

Soon, they'd bring other friends over that had no knowledge of this dessert and they'd say to me as they came through the door, "Hi mom! Are we gonna have Sex tonight?" to which I would would reply with something like, "Of course! You kids know that we can have Sex every time you come over if you want it." Then, just to further mortify their friends that knew nothing of our cute little play on words, they'd respond with, " Alright! Mom's Sex is the best! And we always have Sex when we come over!" or, "You haven't lived 'til you've had Sex with Mom!" Of course we'd eventually explain it all to their friends so they wouldn't run out the door before they enjoyed Sex with the rest of us and forever have the wrong impression of me...heaven forbid!

So, now that it's clear that SEX can have multiple meanings in my little circle, I'll explain to you what happened last Saturday night.

I was invited to a Passion Party, a.k.a. a Naughty Lady Party, at a friends house. It's basically a great way for woman to get together at someone's home and have all kinds of sex toys, lotions, creams, books, etc., brought to them and (sort of) demonstrated for them. It's lots of uninhibited fun...but that's another blog entirely.

I felt the perfect dish to bring to such an event was, you guessed it, Sex-in-a-Dish! So, I brought my best Sex to the party that night. It was wonderful to enjoy Sex with so many woman at once! No one could get enough of my Sex! I was so proud!

When the party was ready to move on to a local night club, I put a lid on my Sex and I put it in the trunk of my car. I am often the designated driver because I don't drink so I had 3 woman who would ride in my car. I then began moving some things that I had on the back seat of my car into the trunk. While I was leaning into the back seat, one of the girls who was going to ride with me, (and who was also beyond wasted), climbed into my open trunk! She began rolling around, trying to get comfy I suppose. Great news everyone! She knocked the lid off of my Sex and she proceeded to get Gooey warm Sex all over the trunk of my new car!

So, Yes, I did have Sex in the trunk of my car Saturday night! Actually, it would be more correct to say I still have Sex in the trunk of my car! I'm not sure I'll ever get it out!

In all honestly, I may have warm, gooey, yummy Sex in the trunk of my car for the rest of my life. Oh well, I suppose there are worse things in this world, right??

*BTW, if you'd like my super-secret recipe for Sex-in-a-Dish, either leave me a comment and say so or send me a message via my Contact Page.

Am I a "Party Girl"???

2009-01-16T14:10:00.000-08:00

First of all, I HAVE to ask, what in the HELL is a "Party Girl"???

Someone who only knows me casually, commented recently that I was quite the "party girl", to a mutual friend.

I had to laugh. I do love my friends and I am a very social being. I do not drink, however. I haven't had a drink in 31 years, in fact!

I love to go to concerts and anywhere live music is playing, but I'm not the girl up on the table or in front of the band taking my bra off and flinging it at the guitarist.

I love to meet people but do not go for the "one night stand" sort of thing, personally. I am friendly to everyone, both men and woman. This does not mean I lock lips and swap spit with them...it means I'm friendly. Does anyone remember what that means anymore??

Most of my socializing, outside of my family, takes place in the summer months when I spend time on the river or at outdoor venues with good, live bands. I love the warm weather and I take advantage of it because I tend to hibernate in the winter months. As I write this, I have not been "out" socially in over 2 months. Thank goodness that will change tomorrow night when I go out to a friend's birthday party, and yes, there WILL be live music there! Yay!

So I ask you, Am I a party girl??? What is your definition of a "party girl" or a "partier"? I am really curious to know what this means to others...

2008-12-15T16:10:00.000-08:00

Dear Readers,
I recently recieved the following letters from one of my readers. As you can see, I have responded to them both but I am only one person. I think Pam (not her real name) would really appreciate all the help, advice and comments she can get here. Please feel free to send in your thoughts. I'll make sure they get posted! Thank you!
~Xstie

comments : I am going through a divorce, and I haven\'t had sex in 5 months. The sad thing is that we\'ve only been separated for 3 months. It was a terrible marriage.

Pam,
Thanks for sharing such a heart breaking story with me! Your story is all too familiar. You don't mention how old you are but celibacy by default is never easy, nor is a crummy marriage! It is not uncommon for couples to stop having physical contact months, and often, even YEARS, before they officially separate. I am so sorry for your dilema.
What would you like me to do? would you like me to post it and respond to it in my blog? Or, I could post a general blog about this situation and ask for responses from my readers. I'm happy to do either.
Also, if you have any specific questions, throw 'em at me. I'm ready to help, if I can!
I look forward to hearing from you again.
Warmest Regards,
~Xstie

I am 29 years old. My soon to be ex husband and I were married for seven years and together for a total of ten. I gave him some great years and all I got in return was a hard time. He was abusive, both verbally and physically for most of our relationship, so intimacy is a very foreign thing for me. Part of me wants to jump back into the dating scene as soon as the divorce is final, but I'm scared of falling back in to a horrible relationship again. I have a very close male friend who is also an ex-lover. His advice is, of course, I need to get laid. He's going through some personal issues of his own, and can't help me out with that, and I don't want to have random sex. He's decided to be celibate for a year because of his issues. It's been a wild few months with him. We didn't speak to each other at all for ten years, and when I left my husband, I found him online. I almost feel like it was fate intervening. He needed me at the same time I need him. We have grown closer recently than we ever were all those years ago. Part of me feels like it would be worth waiting for him, but what if I'm setting myself up all over again? Please help me. I would be more than happy for you to post this on your site. I just need real, unbiased advice from someone who doesn't know me or anyone involved in this situation.
Thank you,
Pam

Dear Pam,
I do understand your situation I think. I too, was in a marriage that lacked any real intimacy (for 21 years), because the man I was married to tried to control me and he certainly had his abusive ways as well.
Now, you find yourself a single adult with no real "intimacy experiences" under your belt, if you'll excuse the expression. Lots of well meaning friends may tell you (as they did me) that you need to get laid. That is implying that all you've been lacking is sex! Not true though! You've been lacking true love, intimacy, trust and communication with a man. A true partenership! Not only can sex alone not fill your void (again, please excuse the expression!) but it can actually have a very detrimental effect!
For 2 healthy, mature, well balanced adults, maybe one night stands are all they need. MAYBE. That's a blog for another day. However, you are hurt, confused and want to be loved and wanted so badly...in other words, you desire true intimacy, that going out and "getting laid" may simply serve to make you feel like an object, like trash, and hurt your already fragile self esteem.
As you said, your "close male friend" has issues of his own right now. He might be a good shoulder to cry on but probably not your best source for advice. If fate is intervening and the two of you are meant to be together...that will still be true a year or two from now, right?
My advice? Don't "wait" for anyone. This is time for you! You were a mere child when you met your husband (just like I was) and you need to get to know yourself now! Not you "the wife". Not you "the Mom". Not you, someone's "other half". Just YOU!
If you want to date, date. But keep it casual. Meet lots of guys. See what "your type" really is. Girlfriends are your best resources and support right now. They will watch your back, tell you when a guy is only using you and above all, help you learn to re-direct your radar!
You are right to worry about not "setting [yourself] up again". We often repeat past patterns. Be careful, go slow, take time for you and keep your girlfriends close. If you don't have girlfriends, it's time you did!
Good luck!!
Xstie

The Six Reasons People Date

2008-11-17T09:59:00.000-08:00

Why Do People Date??

The title of this article may seem ridiculous, and the answer to the question obvious, however, it is my experience that all people “date” for a different reason.
I’ve gathered those reasons together and categorized them (according to my experiences) to see if anyone else out there feels the same way…if you don’t agree with me, please let me know so I can tell you that you’re wrong. ; )

The 6 Reasons People Date:

#1. Socialization & Fun: Many people are simply seeking friendship, companionship,
(On a very limited basis), and people/friends to “hang out”
With. Usually cool people…sometimes they have a commitment
Issues, but only sometimes. Whatever…

#2. A Long Time Commitment/Permanent Partner: These people are very ready to
Settle down. They take commitment very
Seriously and will usually tell you that they
Are looking for their “soul mate”.
*NOTE: I’m not trying to make this complicated but I feel it’s only fair to my
Readers, who hang on every word that I write, to divide #2 into 2 sub-
Categories. Sorry!
#2A). I will find my dream person at all costs as soon as possible, no
Matter what or how scary that might make me to others.

#2B). I’d love to find my “soul mate” and I hope it happens
Eventually…but I won’t try to make every date out to be “The
One”…(my personal favorite).

#3. Rebound: Definitely someone to steer clear of! They are either confused as hell and
don’t know what the F they want or they’re trying to make their ex
Jealous. Either way, you don’t need it!

#4. To get Layed/Laid/Lade… : No matter how you spell it, it’s the same. This person dates
For the thrill of a one night stand or to find a potential “no
strings attached” “f*** buddy” (please excuse the
Crude expression. Just sayin’ it like it is!)

#5. I’m Gay But I Want to Prove to the World That I’m Not: Although there are not many
Who fall into this category, I’m here to tell you that a few do.
In my personal experience, at least 2 have…you know who
you are! These (men, in MY experience) will parade you
around to all of their straight friends in order to prove their
“heteroness” (another great word I made up!) and to
compensate for the Fact that they are too insecure to come out
and be who they really are!

#6. Gold Mining: Gold mining??? Yeah, you know what I mean. You know, those who will
Date you for your money, status, money, what you drive, money or power? Or
Even your MONEY! Shocking!
And boys, don’t think that woman have the corner on this market. There are
Plenty of men out there that are lookin’ for a sugar mama! Trust me, they’re out
There…and they’re annoying as hell!

Now that you are schooled in the 6 reasons people date, I want to tell you my theory about why people often get disappointed/hurt during their dating experiences. Are you excited?? Calm down. Here it comes!

Why People Get Disappointed and Hurt When They Date:

I believe this answer is now self explanatory but I will not abandon you now. Lets do it in mathematical equations (which is funnier than you know because I suck at math!…but I‘m great with analogies!)
Let’s say that a man in category #1 dates a woman from category #2A. Can you see the probem? No matter how strong the chemistry or attraction, it’s not going to work. She’ll be mad because he “just can’t commit” and he’ll be upset that she can’t just enjoy the ride (if you’ll excuse the expression) without looking for a commitment and being so serious!
How about a woman from category #3 and a man from category #2 B? He’ll feel used and hurt. She’ll be unsatisfied and think he’s “clingy”. No one wins!
You get the idea.

So, What’s the Solution???

I realize you now feel overwhelmed with all of this new and incredible information. Never fear. I will never leave you hanging!
Copy this article and carry it on your person (unless you don’t have your own person, in which case, just carry it yourself) AT ALL TIMES!!
When you meet someone you might like to date or perhaps you’re on a first date, whip it out! (This article I mean. I’d hate for you to mis-understand!) Have the other person read it and point out to you which of the categories or sub-categories (as the case may be) they feel best describes them. Do not make the mistake of telling them your category first!!! This is very important because if you meet a category #4 person, for instance, and you’re not a category #4 person) they may lie to you and claim to be in the same category as you are in order to manipulate you, thereby satisfying their own needs and using and screwing…I mean “hurting” you in the process.
So, no matter what happens, I have alerted you to the pitfalls of dating “in the wrong category”! The rest is sitting squarely on YOUR shoulders!
Now, go out and enjoy your dating life!

"Suck" and "Blow": The Definitions

2008-03-26T12:27:00.000-07:00

Would you rather suck or blow? Interesting question, dontcha think? Now be honest, what kinds of thoughts does that question conjure up in your mind? Something sexual perhaps? Or maybe you actually wondered what you would be sucking or blowing before you could answer honestly.
Well, either way you'd be wrong. I'm referring to the ease with which so many throw both of those words out in common conversation to describe something or someone as being...well, let's just say, less than desirable.
For instance, "This party SUCKS!" The use of this word as a derogatory adverb has been around for quite some time. The newer of the two very expressive and colorful adverbs, "blows", is being used in the same exact context as sucks; i.e., "This party BLOWS!"
As the dictionary will someday read (I'm sure, so remember you read it here first!): sucks-adv., anyone or anything that a person finds to be offensive, unappealing or undesirable in any way.....or irritating, scary, ugly, smelly, unattractive, useless, boring, too loud, too quiet, too fat, retarded, disgusting, repulsive, excruciating, obese, annoying, not fun, threatening, mean, whiney, moody, lame, skanky, slutty, sleazy, a user, or any other negative adjective. Example: "That whore totally sucks!" Okay, possibly that sentence was a bad example since "sucks" has two different meanings there...possibly only one if you happen to be a whore or are very fond of them, in which case, I apologize and I only meant "suck" in the most delightful and complimentary way!
You will also find in your handy (future) copy of Webster's dictionary, blows-adv., (See "sucks").
I am amazed by this phenomenon. Currently the dictionary definition of "suck" is; v. to pull liquid into the mouth by means of a vacuum created by the lips and tongue. n. the action of sucking.
Now, call me crazy but I personally find this an incomplete definition as my vacuum "sucks" and I do NOT use my mouth or my tongue when operating it nor do I "suck" up liquid with it! Is it just me or does this definition have sexual overtones?
"Blow", in my dictionary is defined as; v. to move or be in motion because of a current of air. n. a sudden hit with a hand or fist. Blower n. This definition seems more accurate and much less specific. It does mention "blower" however, and I have a friend that recently told me that he owns a blower that both sucks and blows!!! Lucky him! Also, one of the definitions of "blow" is "a sudden hit with a hand or fist." This brings a whole new meaning to the expression "blow job" doesn't it? Perhaps if more men knew of this definition they wouldn't be so eager to get a "blow job"!
I'm not trying to confuse everyone by bringing up all of these contradictions in the english language but I really think something has to be done about it. As it stands, there is WAY too much room for error and embarrassing situations! For instance, when I went into Home Depot and told the sales clerks that I was there for a blow job, they seemed very enthusiastic to help me until I clarified that I simply wanted to blow the leaves out of my yard! You'd think they'd be grateful that I wasn't there to "hit [them] with [my] hand or fist"!
In regards to the use of both words as a negative adverb, I have a proposal. Since anything that sucks also seems to blow, as a general rule, (even though my girls tell me that it's worse to suck than to blow so I'll just have to believe them), I am proposing that we all adopt a new expression. We could all say, (for example) "This is so lame that it totally sucks and blows!" But that just takes too long. Why not consolidate the words and say, "this totally blucks!"
Just promise me you'll think about it. After all, the english language is changing all of the time and I think we should reserve the use of the words "suck" and "blow" as positive and happy words. There's enough negativity in this world anyway, dontcha think?

How Happy DOES Sex Make You??

2008-03-26T11:45:00.000-07:00

I was recently at an AA meeting where they were talking about how different activities prompt our brains to kick out different amounts of dopamine. Dopamine is a "feel good" chemical that responds differently at different times. It is a sort of natural "happy drug" produced by the brain.
We were told that Nicotine, as well as food, produces 150 (lets call them) "grams" of dopamine. 200 grams are produced each time we have SEX while Cocaine produces 350 grams. Finally, Meth produces a whopping 1200 grams!
Here's my solution for Meth addicts (or anyone else, for that matter!) At the meeting I suggested that when they have a Meth craving, just have sex 6 times in a row! 6 x 200 = 1200! There you go! All the Dopamine of Meth without any of the harmful side affects! It's cheaper and you get a work out! Sure people, it will take some effort but I think we can all agree that it is well worth the small price we have to pay!
Everyone there was in agreement so I post this blog as a sort of public service announcement for all Meth addicts (Or anyone with a little time and a lot of energy on their hands) out there. The extra bonus? SEX BURNS CALORIES TOO!...If you're doing it right!

A Midlife Celebration

Nerf Guns and Juice Boxes

Valentine'$ Day

What is the Definition of a Date?

45 Things We Should All Know

Take the Bad with the Good

How Many Blades are Too Many!!

Should I Date This Romeo???

Love in the Fast Lane

I'm Glad Some People Get me!

"Vagi-Tales"???

One Man's DISGUSTING Fantasy!

Depression is Serious Stuff!

Too Picky???

How are People Like Cartons of Milk?

Do not insert....SERIOUSLY???

An Example of Why I AM Still Single...

Wisdom of the Aged

Yes, I Can Put the Fear of God into Thugs and Drug Dealers!

"No One Will EVER Love You the Way I Do!!!"

Things Woman Don't Share

I Got 86'd!

What Does Golf Have in Common With Sex??

"Pick Up" Lines are Alive and Well in the Burbs!

He's an "Asshole" and Proud of it!!

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Comments From a Reader

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The Six Reasons People Date

"Suck" and "Blow": The Definitions

How Happy DOES Sex Make You??